Today Avery and I headed over to the History Colorado Museum, which is short two blocks from our doorstep. And it was so cool! Lot’s of great interactive displays and a special TOYS of the 50s, 60s, and 70s exhibit.

Sidewalk chalk mural at the entrance of the History Colorado Museum

SKI JUMP!!!!!!!!

A recreated miners lodge from the 1940s

It’s a bit fuzzy, but they have a real mine you can go in – neat!

Saying ‘Hello’ to the Big Blue Bear

Entering the Toys! Exhibit

Pink rotary phone and TV – life is good!

Living room of the 60s!

Sitting on the floor watching a commercial for KISS figurines on TV

I asked her to pose in front of the Barbie wall – this is what I got.

Slinky, Slinky!

I heard through a friend about a tiny little studio offering “Creative Movement” classes for toddlers. Not sure what to expect, I went in for a session and was absolutely blown away! It is SO UNBELIEVABLY CUTE. At one point I even started tearing up. It’s the little things, huh?!

For the pride parade this year Avery had a handmade rainbow tutu! Due to excessive adorableness, everyone kept throwing the candy right in Avery’s direction. Thus, way too much candy was eaten, and an inevitable meltdown of epic proportions ensued.
Here are some pre-meltdown photos!

AND THERE WAS ADULT COLORGUARD!!!!!!!!! I am going to join.

Although Avery and I live in a completely landlocked state, I was able to find a pristine beach with beautiful scenery – right in the middle of the Rocky Mountains!
Nottingham Lake – Beaver Creek is right behind us!
Happy girl loves playing in the sand!

Yes, it has been a long time since I have posted anything! The reason for the lapse is two-fold.

First, I have spent the last year finishing up my Bachelor’s degree at the University of Colorado Denver! Going to school full time while trying to make money and raise a toddler really, really, (really) eats up any idea of spare time you might have.

The second reason was that my precious toddler broke my point and shoot digital camera using nothing more than her curiosity and index finger. Totally my fault for letting her play with it! Maman naïve! And since I don’t own a smartphone, taking photos of Avery was nearly impossible.

But now some things have changed! I have graduated (see photo below!) and I just purchased a new pocket point-and-shoot digital camera for capturing those everyday moments everyone loves to share.

We have a lot of great plans for the summer – including swim class, French lessons, water parks, festivals, and trips to the mountains.

See you soon!

After I brushed my teeth this morning, I was standing in the hallway organizing the linen closet. I had handed Avery her toothbrush and she had toddled off. All of a sudden I hear a clatter and look to find that Avery has went and gotten her step stool from the side of my bed and put it under the sink so she could “spit”. I have never shown her how to do either of those things, and my heart just about melted out of my chest. What a smart girl!

Or as Avery would say “trik treet!”

What do you do with a futsy, no-napped toddler when there’s four hours till bedtime?
Head straight to the Children’s Museum and let her run free!

This morning I asked a naked Avery to go get herself dressed.
This is what came of that request:
Underwear on each arm and a hat.
Brilliant!

So, it’s super late and I still have an hours worth of reading to do for class tomorrow – but I just HAD to share this story.

Tonight after bath I was reading Avery books, but she was still super squirrely. So I just let her climb off the bed and toddle around. I stayed on the bed reading a book, but I could hear her doing something at the foot of the bed – but I couldn’t see what was happening. I assumed she was playing her her doll (side story: We think her old doll took an escape route via the bathroom trash can – after the dissappearance she walked around the apartment for days saying “baby? baby?” constantly looking for it. Finally the doll made a miraculous return (a new one arrived via our friend Kerry!) and she has been ELATED to say the least. The baby goes everywhere, constantly gets kisses, drinks, and gets put on the potty. She even had to stop mid-book this evening so she could read “The Bear Snores On” to her baby. Now I have to include THAT picture too!)

ANYWAY! So, I thought she was playing with her doll at the foot of the bed. Finally, I got up and found her crouched on the floor with an open bottle of comet, one rubber glove, and my bathroom sponge working intently on a spot on the floor. As she saw me approach she got this HUGE smile on her precious face – so full of pride at what she was doing. I got right next to her and saw a little sprinkling of Comet on the floor that she was working with the sponge. She said “doo doo!” and went back to scrubbing the spot. I knew she had probably stood in that spot, and because she was all ready for bed with a diaper on and didn’t know how to get it off, had pooped while standing there – and then went to clean it up.

At that moment my heart broke with the precious innocence and pride and cluelessness that she was. My heart swelled thinking of her toddling to the cleaning supplies, carefully selecting her items, walking back. Never telling me or asking for help. So independent. I smiled back and said “Good job! We clean it up!!”.

I love her. I love love love her.

And Avery with her baby.

Perhaps I spoke too quickly. Perhaps the series of unfortunate events only began during the post from 11:15 the other evening. Perhaps this is the universe saying “Oh, you want to complain about your situation? I’ll show you some shit.”

This morning as I was JUST wrapping up some of that free work I had promised, my MacBook died. Not easily repairable. Or should I say, the tech seemed doubtful but was willing to start diagnostics at $95 an hour. He then said it could cost half of what it’s worth to repair it. My computer is my sole source of income. My only way to complete design work and keep paying clients. Or keep up with my college classes. I don’t cry very often but I cried today.

Just when you think you are stretched to the limit – another blow comes crashing down. And with being able to do nothing else, I guess I’ll go to sleep early tonight.

It’s 11:15pm. I’ve been working since 7pm and I still have a significant list of things to be done before my head hits a pillow.

The kitchen needs to be cleaned. The floor should be washed, but that might be put off again. The toys covering the living room floor need to be put away. Homework for three classes still needs to be completed for tomorrow. The bathroom is a mess (clean or leave? Not sure yet.) The laundry needs to be done, but that isn’t going to happen. Lunches and snacks need to be packed (not enough time in the morning). I’m backlogged on paying work that I desperately need to complete so I can pay the rent. Not to mention the 20+ hours of “free work” that I’ve promised to various people. Avery will no doubt wake up at least 3 times before 6am, most likely crying for at least 45 minutes around 3:30. She hates sleeping as much as I hate not sleeping. My car desperately needs an oil change and I don’t even have the money to pay the electric bill. Wait, where is my phone? I haven’t seen it in days. Hopefully nobody is calling.

It’s moments like this when I feel the most independent and determined. But I will tell you, I am so mad. I am mad that I’ve been made to do this on my own. I’m mad that there isn’t someone I can lean on and depend on. I’m sad that there isn’t another person who loves Avery like I do, who works to support us as hard as I do, who makes her a priority like I do. It’s infuriating. and heartbreaking.

So, wherever you are at 11:15pm, whatever you are doing, know that I am here – working – doing everything in my power to make life the best it can possibly be for Avery and myself.

Good night. (to you, not me just yet).

Working hard to get a good head shot of my little peanut for her first passport!

Vous voir bientôt à Montréal!

It was time. My voracious eater needed to start seeing where the food came from. We started with smoothies.
She’ll carefully puts banana pieces into the blender cup, along with wheat germ, flax seed oil, berries, fruit, yogurt, spinach – whatever else might be good. She then puts the cap on and holds it on the base, smiling that squishy nose smile of pure excitement.

So we moved beyond blended drinks to real food. I sit her on the counter and she helps me crack eggs, mix batter, dump in ingredients, and add seasoning (the cinnamon shaker is a hit, though I need to put a regulator on it!).

Here’s Avery adding just the right amount of mayo to slices of sandwich bread.

Click to Play!

1. She Loves to Push Things.

Her walker – obviously. Other items would be dining room chairs, my guitar, boxes, large toys, a vacuum. But the most unusual habit she has when it comes to pushing things around is when we’re at Target. There is something about those bright red, smooth carts that make her throw a fit and demand to be held – against my chest facing out – so both her hands can be on the cart pushing it around the store. Oh, and my hands cannot be holding the cart AT ALL. This is grounds for an immediate “foul” and the offending hands are aggressively removed.

2. She Drinks Water All Night Long.

Avery has slept through the night exactly once in her entire life. Once I quit nursing her at night, she would still wake up 5-6 times screaming, crying. I finally tried giving her water and she literally chugged 5 ounces and fell flat on her face back asleep. I then realized that perhaps the key to her sleeping through the night was that she was thirsty – and then proceeded to put a sippy cup in her crib and showed her how to find it and get a drink on her own during the night. So, instead of waking me up 5-6 times, I now hear her up 5 times shuffling around her crib searching for her cup with a subsequent “glug, glug, glug, (glug, glug, glug)” and then she puts herself back down. Ahhhh…

3. She Listens.

I have been around a lot of babies recently, and I have to say that Avery – although one to continuously test boundaries – listens and knows right from wrong. For example – putting rocks in her mouth. I told her once not to with a stern voice and an “ah ah ah!” noise I make for anything that I don’t want her to do. It affected her – she is moved by the negative response. So, from there on she didn’t put rocks in her mouth anymore. Every once in a while I’d see her looking at me out of the corner of her eye, rock sitting on her lip – but as soon as I’d say “Avery” – she smiled and put it down. Another baby I watched was doing the same thing – I responded the same way – stern voice and “ah ah ah!” and literally nothing happened. Over and over and over again I repeated my words, but this other baby just kept on doing it. Unaffected. It was strange to me.
Not Avery. She hears the rules and understands and is affected by a serious voice – most of the time. It’s really amazing.

4. Speaking of Listening.

Avery knows books by the content inside them. When we sit down in front of her book shelf I’ll recite lines from any of the books in front of us – and she will acknowledge the words with a smile and quickly move to find it. Every book she knows by heart. Not by titles or pictures, but by words.

4. How Water Truly Affects Her.

Did you ever see that movie Big Fish where the protagonist Ed Bloom just has to “get wet” sometimes to feel right again? This is Avery. The sight of water physically compels her towards it. This could be water coming out of a sink faucet or a large fountain. Or it could be a pan of water in a backyard. If she hears me running the water in the kitchen for more than 10 seconds at a time she comes flying into the kitchen as if to say “is that for me??”. When walking on pedestrian bridges over creeks she grabs the rail and holds on with the strongest grip I’ve ever experienced a 1-year-old to have, staring at the water rushing over rocks. It changes her mood from bad to good. It changes her temperament from frustrated to calm. Her biggest problem in baby swim class was that she was so fully stoked that her mouth never shut – so she was always taking in massive amounts of water. Even the teacher laughed.

5. She Has a Daring Nature.

After months of going down baby slides face first on her belly, we tried for bigger and bigger ones. There came a point where the slides were so big that we would actually attract a small crowd of other parents who would watch her sit at the top of the slide while I ran to the bottom to flag her down. “My god!! How old is she??” they would ask. “13 months” I answered like it was no big deal. Of course, I was very proud of my fearless baby girl.

6. She Loves to Rearrange the Refrigerator

Another sure-fire way to make her happy is to open the fridge and let her go nuts. She most enjoys moving the condiments and trying to get them to “stand up” on the wire shelves. She also greatly enjoys the veggie drawer. One day I even found her halfway through my bag of red potatoes – a pile on the floor with bite marks in them. I think she thought they were apples.

7. She Loves Dirt.

If there is dirt or mud available, she will find it and proceed to dig her fingers in it. With dry dirt her favorite thing to do is take a handful and then “pour” it over her feet. She also enjoys taking a handful of sand and doing what can only be likened to a “polish” of sorts on any nearby objects – so, the bottom of the slide, a metal pole, and smooth steps are all fair game. When we are at the part first thing in the morning, part of me wants to stop her from getting so absolutely filthy before first nap has even happened – but seeing how she is so content, I have to just let her be.

8. If You Give Her Something Special Two Days in a Row, the Third Day Will Bring a Tantrum.

Cookie for dessert? TV? Facetime? Smoothie for breakfast?
I have seen full meltdowns over not receiving all of the previously listed items. One exception: she will throw a tantrum over ice cream regardless of the day.

9. She Understands French.

Avery is allowed to watch exactly two shows. The first being “Little Pim” in French – a DVD language series for kids. Here is a small sample of her vocabulary:
chat (cat)
chien (dog)
c’est chaud (it’s hot)
bon jour (hello)
au revoir (bye)
brosse à dents (tooth brush)
l’eau (water)
un boit du l’eau (a drink of water)

10. She is the Best Baby in the World.

Obviously.

A quiet drive into the mountains with a sleeping baby in tow – the snow covered slopes beautifully untouched. And then an idea hits.

With a quick stop at Aspen Park grocery store I procured a sturdy cantelope box (free), a roll of packaging tape ($3), and a bundle of clothesline rope ($1). 5 minutes later (with the the help of my ever-present glove compartment Gerber tool) – you’ve got a slick bottomed, waterproof, pull-able toboggan with Avery laying fresh tracks!

Music fun time with a baby and her mamma and her mamma!

PS: Watch with caution! I never said I could sing!

Tonight I made crimini mushroom and sun-dried tomato pasta with shaved parmesan cheese for dinner. After grinding through two servings of pasta and sauce – and then one more of plain pasta – I turn around to find her licking her plate.

She has never seen me do this. I have never seen her do this. So I can only accept it as the greatest non-verbal compliment a 15 month old can give you:

“Mom, I love your cooking!”.

Awww.

Waiting for our Mardis Gras brunch at Lucille’s Creole Cafe to begin.
(They have a seriously cool waiting loft for kids.)

8:45

2:30

3:10

4:30

5:10 ( – Present)

This is a list of the times I was woken up last night. And this isn’t an unusual list.

It doesn’t matter if she is teething, sick, or feeling perfectly fine. It doesn’t matter if she wore herself out the day before or stayed relatively calm.

I’ve tried everything.

Changing her bedtime.
Changing her dinnertime.
Adjusting what she eats for dinner.
Increasing water intake during the day.
Keeping her in bed with me.
Putting her in her own crib.
Increasing the temperature of the room.
Decreasing the temperature of the room.
Adjusting the humidity of the room.
Adjusting the amount of ambient light in the room.
Comforting her when she wakes by nursing.
Comforting her when she wakes with just patting her back.
Sometimes offering her a drink when she wakes up.
Sleeping on the couch so she has the room to herself.
Letting her cry it out.

When she wakes up she SCREAMS. Standing in her crib and staring at me from over the bars. There are nights when all I have to do is lay her back down and put her blanket on it and she goes back to sleep. Sometimes it’s a drink of water that satiates her. Other nights she refuses everything and cries non-stop until I pick her up and put a nipple in her mouth.

I have read blogs and talked to other parents. I have conferred with “infant sleep specialists”. I am so exhausted I could simultaneously lose my keys, start a fight, and laugh hysterically.

Sleep deprivation and the sound of crying babies are used for torture.

Help.

If you are a follower of this blog and have some sort of idea that hasn’t already been tried without success, let me know.

Birthday lunch and celebration with Auntie Jess who is not only an amazing human, but a budding professional photographer. She took some really sweet shots of me and Avery at the Museum of Contemporary Art Bubble Garden!

What an incredible day.

Waking up this morning I spent a half an hour laying in bed, just looking at my precious little girl. She played with the books we keep in the night stand, carefully turning the pages and opening and shutting each little flap. She looks and cuddles and smiles and babbles. This is our precious time, where she is happy to just lay against her momma and look at books and talk about the new day.

A year ago I was also laying in bed gazing at a tiny newborn. I felt this surreal bubble around me – how could I have made this? And now she’s mine?? Like.. forever??

“The days last forever, but the years fly by.” A friend of mine said that to me about month 3, when I was in the midst of another long and agonizing day, framed by nights without sleep. I felt every minute took so long to pass. The struggle to get her to the first year marker – a single mom with an infant – I can’t believe I made it!

Each day I work hard to speak to her as an adult and cook her fresh food and set clear boundaries and have fun. And now she is this smart, beautiful, energetic, funny, friendly, happy, and super social baby who I just adore.

Though she still crawls on her belly, my big girl can pull herself to standing. But, then she freaks out and can’t figure out the “bend your knees to sit back down” concept. What a cute baby!

How can I write all that I’m feeling when I don’t even know where to start…

I guess I’ll start with with this: I’m not a particularly nice or mushy or sentimental person. I hold those cards pretty close to my chest and reveal them to very few. And since having my dearest little Avery Blue, for reasons that are my own, I keep them even closer. So having said that, there are often moments where I have no idea how I have the friends I do. I haven’t the slightest clue why the people around me continue to help and call and care.

This Christmas Eve & Day I was planning on it being just me and Avery – by ourselves. It wasn’t for a lack of invitations, but something in my heart wanted it to be her and I – because at the end of the day, that is what it comes down to. Avery and I are a little family with just the two of us. So the number of invitations I received for Christmas Eve were appreciated, but made me feel like others were thinking that just she and I being together wasn’t enough. That we somehow needed to be a part of someone else’s family to be “complete”. There was something about that that unsettled me. Perhaps it’s because I fear that she will feel that in the future – that I am not enough of a “family” for her… I don’t know. I’m sure that’s part of the bigger reasoning, but going down a rabbit hole of my fears as a single parent isn’t what this post was about!

My friend Kerry had asked, no insisted, that Avery and I come to her house for Christmas Eve morning (they were celebrating Christmas morning one day early). Still ruminating on those aforementioned feelings, I politely declined. Nope, she kept on asking. Even called to see if the reason I didn’t want to come was because I don’t like receiving presents in front of a crowd. “No, no – I just want to hang out with Avery.” Finally, I acquiesce. “I’ll be there at 11” I text her.

So, Christmas Eve morning arrives. As soon as Avery wakes from her morning nap I have her dressed in red velvet and we’re flying out the door. During the drive over I feel my reluctance in going. Just a little something nagging me – I cannot tell you what.  Just something. I pull into the driveway and Kerry comes out, full of Christmas joy and smiles and so happy – and I’m just there. Bringing Avery to a party that I know she’ll love. When I walk in the door I see a huge pile of presents under the tree and the thought that goes through my head is “Kerry’s kids are so lucky”.

We sit and eat and, of course Avery is a perfect, delightful doll. And then Kerry says something about opening presents and I feel a pang because 1) I don’t have a present for a single person there and 2) I felt slightly awkward watching everyone open all their gifts.

Well, it turns out everyone has already opened their gift. And the WHOLE PILE I mentioned earlier was for Avery and I. Stockings included. Present after present. And under a huge Fraser fir tree, with the fireplace roaring in the background, her kids helped Avery rip wrapping paper off present after present. Cameras clicking in the background, capturing all these precious moments. It was absolutely incredible. My initial reluctance and jealously gave way to new feelings of embarrassment and gratefulness.

How is this possible? How can I be such a needy, perpetually broke,  and somewhat ornery friend and get all of this in return? Presents were finished, toys were played with, the new car seat was installed, and we prepared to leave. With a few moments alone I cozied up in the big leather chair next to the fireplace to nurse Avery for a few minutes and found myself tearing up. This. This huge display of love from Kerry – for not only my child, but for me as well. And it’s not just Christmas and presents – it’s always. It’s constant.

Who do I call when Avery goes to the ER? Who comes to my rescue at 3am when I’m writhing in the couch with the stomach flu? Who tolerates my brash, dry, and sometimes biting sense of humor? And who continually, constantly, and without condition loves me?

Kerry. My Christmas Eve Miracle.

There is something I love about this photo. The natural expression on Avery’s face.  How you can really see her features becoming more and more distinct. The cutest little bum. The Christmas tree blowout. A slice of life with Avery Blue – living in Cap Hill, Christmas 2013.

Most recent loved foods:

Fresh figs. Lemon curd (eaten with as a mix with shredded chicken). Blue cheese – straight up.

I never imagined my super social, happy baby wouldn’t like Santa!

The first picture went okay…

But it was all downhill from there…

Music class with Liat.

Every night for the past 6 months I’ve done the same exact routine with Avery before putting her to bed.

1. Bath
2. Lotion
3. Jammies
4. Read the same 3 books
5. Sing the same 1 song
6. Nurse
7. Sleep

And every night the first book I read her is called “All Of Baby, Nose to Toes”. The pages alternate with talking about baby’s eyes/ears/nose/tummy/legs/toes, and asking “who loves baby’s ____?”. When you turn the page it always says, “Me! I do!”

Here’s an excerpt:
“Baby’s got legs, strong little legs. Gotta gotta dance legs. Caper and a prance legs. Kick me in the pants legs. Kick off a shoe! Who loves baby’s legs? (turn page) “Me! I do!”

And for months when I read this book to her I would always raise my hand when I said “Me! I Do!”.

Well, tonight, for the very first time ever – she raised her hand on EVERY SINGLE PAGE that said that phrase. That’s SIX times total.
The first time, I thought she might be stretching.
The second time, I started crying. And didn’t stop.

It is absolutely incredible to see my little baby pick up on something so perfectly, so suddenly, all by herself. I couldn’t believe it.

To be sure, I randomly tested her after the book was done and put away. And she raised her hand in perfect timing.

Who loves Avery Blue? Me. I Do.

I met Sandi when we were six years old and starting first grade. Over the past 30 years we’ve been through good times, bad times, and every single time in-between. Loyally, constantly she has been a person that I could count on to listen, really listen, and care when it seemed no one else did. As the years continue to roll by we don’t see each other as often as we would like, but I know she is always there for me.

So to the part that blows me away. Ever since I was pregnant I have gotten countless boxes of presents from Sandi. Now, keep in mind, we never sent birthday or Christmas presents before, so this isn’t something that’s always happened. For some reason, Sandi has been this continual fountain of generosity when it comes to Avery and I. Boxes and boxes of presents. Each gift inside hand chosen and collected by someone who loves me and my little peanut constantly and unconditionally. Someone who thinks of us when she stops by a store and grabs a little treat. And when I open the box from her it always smells like her house, familiar and cozy and filled with memories.

So, to say a big THANK YOU to my best, longest, most generous girl!

Since recovery from the upper respiratory infection we have been full steam ahead on the sleep training – meaning, teaching her how to fall asleep without all of the “props”. It had come to be that I had to do all of the following to get her to sleep for longer than 15 mins at a time: swaddle her, nurse her to sleep, quickly replace the nipple with a pacifier, and let her sleep on my chest. If the pacifier fell out (which it did every 10 mins) she would wake up crying. If I tried to put her down on the bed, she would wake up crying. My life for the past six months has pretty much consisted of me working with one free arm (right or left) and while she slept on my chest. But, there came a day when this was no longer working for either of us. First of all, she is HEAVY and HOT. She weighs 20lbs and sweats constantly during sleep – I mean, full pillow soaking. And second, I just couldn’t get anything done with one hand any more. I needed two.

So, my first course of action was ditching the pacifier – and I am proud to say she doesn’t cry for one at all anymore. Then I had to get her eating more during feedings so she would sleep longer during naps and at night. Then I had to get her to fall asleep without the swaddle. This was the toughest battle – and truth be told, sometimes I still swaddle her. I think it’s because I know it makes her feel secure and I personally have to sleep on my arms, so it might just be a genetic preference. And finally, I had to teach her to fall asleep without me right there next to her. This was the hardest – and is still a battle. For the first two days I laid next to her on the bed and let her roll around and cry while I pat her back – this went from 1.5 hours of crying to 10 mins of crying. When she had somewhat “mastered” that, I moved her to her crib and left the room so she could do it herself.

How my heart absolutely aches when I hear my baby girl crying. I went in every 5/10/15.. minutes to check on her. The first night she screamed for almost 2 hours. Tonight it was less than one hour. I really hope I’m not scarring her for life.

And this is what she looks like right this minute:

There we were – 4:30pm on a Friday sitting in a Taco Bell parking lot.

Avery and I had just finished running some errands and though she was happily fed, we were 20 minutes from home and I was starving. So with a dollar and some change in my pocket I ordered a bean and cheese burrito and sat in the back of the van with Avery, discussing what we might do for the weekend. Then our friend Kerry called.

Well, it just so happened that Kerry was headed to the mountains. And it just so happened that she had an extra room in her reserved cabin and asked if we’d like to join her! Of course we said yes – I love spontaneous adventures and Avery loves the outdoors.

Whew! Three days of fevers, stuffy noses, and no sleep – I woke up (and I’m using the term “woke up pretty loosely, you could say I stumbled into consciousness) with Avery at 7am. After a third full night of crying, screaming sadness. We had to go cold turkey on the pacifier at 4am since she couldn’t breathe with it in. It took 40 minutes for her to stop screaming after I took it out – heart breaking…

So, back to 7am – I found myself lying on the living room floor in the fetal position begging the universe for more sleep while my daughter played quietly by herself. And there was something about this picture I just couldn’t take. We were both awake, and the day was here, so I better put on my big-mama pants get on it with. I told Avery if she would get a coffee with me and help me with the laundry we could go see the fish at the aquarium. Of course, she is such a good girl and happily agreed. (Oh, and she is feeling much better today! And no more pacifiers at all!)

For my first birthday as Avery’s Mamma I decided to keep it low key with things she and I both love. My plan was just a simple trip to the Aquarium and dinner at a friends – but then some wonderful friends and a dash of happenstance made it even better than I had planned.

First Birthday as a Mamma

Wakeup Mom! It’s a birthday morning!

Started with a morning walk and impromptu breakfast picnic with Kelly T at Wash Park

On our way to the planned aquarium trip we found a small petting zoo! LLamas, pigs, goats, sheep, chickens, a mini horse, and a donkey!

Pre BBQ funtime with Becky!

Yum chowin on roasted squash

Oh, and look who wanted to wish me a very special happy birthday from the year 1987

Being a parent, and I mean, really being a parent – or, really being a single parent with no other default person to depend on – 24 hours a day is challenging. No nanny. No daycare. No family to call. No partner to support you.

In my daily life every diaper is mine. Every tear is mine. Every whine of discontent. Every sleepless night. Every bath. All mine. Tucked under my huge umbrella of momma-hood, right next to working and laundry and staying sane.

It was 9pm. Avery had spent the past few hours at a garden party with her friend Kerry. I spent the bulk of her time away lounging in bed, catching up on some emails and reading a few blogs – but there was nothing remarkable about it. I was actually a bit disappointed in how little enjoyment I was having during this unexpected break. It wasn’t until I walked out the door to pick Avery up that a chain of events, so simple in their individual nature, would combine to create a half hour of incredible, freeing, reprieve.

At 9pm the sky was dark. I haven’t been outside after dark in six months. With a meltdown time of 6pm, Avery makes sure sunsets and twilight aren’t part of my recent memory. Rain had been gently falling for the past hour, and when I walked outside I was met with a cool mugginess reminiscent of south Florida in the winter. I wrapped myself in a thin cotton cardigan and smiled as my feet sidestepped the small puddles around my van.
Turning on the ignition, I needed to not only use my wipers, but to had turn on my headlights. The memory required to find the switch gave me a pang of nostalgia. Stopping at the local gas station, I didn’t have to worry about a squealing baby in the backseat. I simply got out and pumped gas with a stress level of zero. Then I suddenly had the urge for ice cream. So I went and bought a Magnum Gold Bar in the convenience store. And that’s really it.

But the perfect storm of simple elements had combined into this moment of absolute happiness.

The dark sky, and the cool, muggy air, the freedom to walk into a quicke mart and buy an ice cream bar and eat that ice cream bar while having the windows rolled down, blasting the radio made me feel such an appreciation of that exact moment. Of absolute happiness.

Before having Avery I was consumed with my own selfishness. My life was all about me. Or the person I was dating. Or where I was going for brunch. Or what my plans for the weekend were. Those days, those frivolous days of pre-parenthood.

After I picked Avery up, and we began to drive home, another feeling came over me. Of how having her in my life makes me generally so much more appreciative of everything. Without her I wouldn’t have had such a happiness, such a fondness for such an small moment.

Our trip to Rocky Mountain National Park included:
Majestic Views
Wildlife (marmots, elk, white tailed deer, and chimpmunks)
A Hike on the Continental Divide
Tree Trunk Bridges
Snow!

Things have been hectic and exhausting. My precious girl wakes up screaming every 1-2 hours at night and prefers to be out and about during the day. It’s amazing (and maddening) that she will sleep soundly sitting upright in the car or while being banged around Target – but somehow finds her quiet room and soft bed unsettling. I function half-asleep most of the time, forgetting essential tasks in my delirium.

My free moments are spent working with one hand on my laptop (as I am now) while Avery sleeps on my chest. And before I hear any comments about “you should get her to sleep on her own so you can work” understand that my I have tried again and again to do just that. But in the end my choices are to make her nap on her own, which usually means crying herself to sleep for a 40 minute nap. Or letting her sleep on me, happy and content, for 3 hours at a time, twice a day.
Because I need the time to rest and work, I choose the latter.

Most days when I’m trying to work with Avery I capture the scene via Photobooth on my MacBook. Below is a sample of my photo project titled: Work. 2013.

And for some levity:

Caught in the act and unremorseful!

What do you think her punishment should be?

One year ago today I never thought I’d be celebrating Mother’s Day with a child of my own. Three months ago today I never knew how I was going to raise her on my own.
But on this very day, there are a few things I now know about my little Avery Blue.

1. She LOVES being sung to. Her favorite lullaby is “Sweet Child of Mine” – when she hears me start to sing it she gets quiet and her eyes become heavy.
2. When she’s sad or sleepy she likes to be swaddled.
3. If you look at her and talk she enthusiastically responds with coos.
4. She kicks her legs constantly.
5. She LOVES the feel and sound of water.
6. She is hot most of the time and sweats a ton.
7. Her little feet stink.
8. She would rather sleep in a sweaty, uncomfortable position on top of me than sleep on a cozy bed alone.
9. She has the absolute softest skin I’ve ever touched.
10. I feel so lucky that I get to create the experiences, traditions, and memories that will shape her childhood.

While visiting Michigan Avery got to meet her two Great Grandmas!

Great Grandma Diffin

Great Grandma LaFreniere

What a grueling 12 days it’s been. After Avery received her two month vaccinations (see previous post) she became very ill. The first day was just me rocking her sad little body. The second day seemed like she was getting better – still sad and puny but less so. But on the third day her fever spiked to 102ºF. Since it was 8:00 at night, the only option was to take her to the Emergency Room. So I loaded up my sad baby girl and took her in. As she screamed during catheters, blood draws, and IVs my heart ached. It felt like such unnecessary pain to put my little nugget in. But it wasn’t until the preliminary test results came back with an abnormal white blood cell count that I understood that there was no other way for anyone to know what was hurting her. Due to the low white blood cells they had to do a spinal tap to check for Spinal Meningitis. This I had to leave the room for. There was no way I could watch it. I know that probably makes me a horrible mother. The doctors reassured me that she was at an age where she wouldn’t notice either way, and it would be more traumatic for me to stay. So I left. As soon as she was done I swooped in and cuddled her and we fell asleep at 11pm.

My baby girl on her hospital bed

Me and Avery waiting out the test results

At midnight I woke up to see our dear friend Kerry picking up Avery with tears in her eyes, navigating the tubes she was hooked up to, so compassionate and wanting to comfort her. At 1:30am the test results came back as negative for Meningitis. I finally got home at 2am – beyond exhausted.

Avery took the next 6 days to recover. She slowly started to eat more and sleep less. Her old personality and smiles began to emerge again. Things were getting back to normal. And then disaster struck in the form of a gnarly stomach flu that had settled in my gut. Oh lord, how I thought I was going to die. Or at least land myself in the hospital. Again Kerry and her wonderful husband David swooped in and took my precious baby girl to their house for the night – leaving me to rest alone. And how sweet the silence was. I slept 8 whole hours and woke up a new woman.

So here we are, the end of day 12. Avery seems to be at about 98% better – and I’m just about the same. Just in time for the weekend. And that’s how we like it.

Monday was Avery’s two month check up. I went to the appointment, happy and unknowing with my brand new content baby ready to tell the doctor how great everything was going. And then she said “oh, you know there are 4 vaccinations due today….”. Call me an unprepared mom, but I had no idea this was on the schedule.

The nurse specialist came in with a tin of 3 needles and one oral. She took the oral just fine – it was salty sweet and Avery found it quite tasty. Then came the bad part. 🙁

As the nurse attempted to get her in position on the doctor’s table, she screamed and squirmed. (Sidenote: she did say “My god, this is a strong baby” as struggled to get her legs pinned. Uh yeah lady, she kicked me for 9 solid months so I’m not surprised.) The shots went in and Avery SCREAMED so loud it made my eyes water. I couldn’t even watch I was so sad for her. But the worst part was to come.

When we got home she was soooo whiny. Her face looked puny, she had a fever of 100.4ºF and just wanted to be held. So all plans and all work went out the window and I spent the last 24+ hours rocking my poor little peanut head.

Bunny Ears!

Other highlights of the day included: Snickers Ice Cream bars purchased out of a wooden hut, perfectly executed headstands, and a new t-shirt design for Kelly – our appointed bodyguard – which reads “Don’t Make Me Embarrass You.”

Original article from Head & Heart Parents

“I think my fifteen year old has fallen in love. He can’t get enough of this new girl. He’s constantly asking if she can come over and he just sits on the couch and stares at her. He takes her on walks and lets her just lie next to him and hang out while he watches tv. This girl brings out the sweetest, most adorable view of my son who is also capable of being surly and all-teen-boy who is convinced his mom is an idiot and the world is annoying. But not around this girl! This girl always brings out the best in him. They are so cute together that I don’t mind leaving them alone on the couch in the basement. Maybe it’s because she is only eight weeks old. Precious little Avery. Watching him love her makes me love him even more.“


Kerry Stutzman, MSW
©2013 Kerry Stutzman, Head & Heart Parents

If you have spoken to me or even attempted to speak to me in the past eight weeks you know that I am #1) beyond busy and 2) dealing with a very fussy baby. Oh this girl would cry, and squirm and protest and generally be discontent most of the time. My entire (see “24 hour”) day would be wrapped up in guiding her through 4 hours of fighting sleep followed by a fitful 10 minute nap which usually ended with her waking up crying. Never did she seem to just be HAPPY. There were moments, of course, but so fleetingly the came and went – simple previews when I craved the entire movie.

Finally after 8 weeks of lactation and sleep consultants, I took her to the doctor. Thank god she screamed the entire time we were in the office – giving him an idea of just what her upset looked like. He said he thought she might have acid reflux. As she writhed around under his searching hands he became more and more convinced of her ailment.

Now, I know that prescribing medication for acid reflux in infants is one of the fastest-growing pharmaceutical solutions, so I was hesitant to just say “yes”. But the doctor assured me by saying “well, I could put her to sleep and scope her esophagus to show you how red it is, but trying the medication is a lot less invasive.”

With those words I flew to the pharmacy with Avery (still) screaming in her car seat. I begged the universe to let this work.

And let me tell you, after just the first dose she was an entirely different baby.

Shock. Delight. Disbelief. Happiness. Elation. Relief.

A new baby had arrived. She was content and happy. She sat for 45 minutes at a time, just cooing and looking around. She fell asleep on her own. She only fussed when she was tired or needed to eat.

After 6 hours I held my breath.
After 18 hours I shared the news with her father.
After 24 hours I shared it with my family.
After 48 hours I stared at her in awe.
After 72 hours I believed it.

What I get to wake up to every morning.

There are those moments of childhood so traumatizing they remain permanently burned into your memory.

As a child my mother had a penchant for spandex. And not the simple black leggings we see today. She wore shiny spandex adorned with a full-on  leopard print. We called them her Peggy Bundy pants. And like blue jeans, my mother thought they went with everything – the reason they were on pretty heavy rotation for what I recall being years. She’d wear them anywhere clothes were required. To the grocery store, to the library, to the airport – and the most memorable times during trips to my elementary school.

So here I am – 25 years later – donning snow boots, tie-dye stretch pants, and a mismatch shirt. I hope to make Avery proud.

Avery visiting the Easter Bunny at Rakun Boutique! Thanks to Megan Throckmorton-Collar for inviting us to your super sweet holiday event!

If there’s one thing I’ve learned Avery loves it’s the black and white graphics of Ikea. She will stare and stare – for 10 minutes at a time.. kicking her feet and waving her hands about. Here she is lounging on a favorite pillow design.

 1.28.13 8lbs 2oz

Five hours old.

Two days old.

Five days old.

One week old. First walk around Cap Hill.

Two weeks old.

Three weeks old – first bath. In the bathroom sink!


Four weeks old.